School of Hard Knocks

Hello well neglected live journal. I know I should be writing more regularly. But this is one of the few things that truly don't judge me. Sure I have a full and open people who are willing to sell me to anybody for a price. And there is always an off chance that someone will read this and try to use it against me.

Ah well, such are people, and such is life.

My poor little log of thoughts rarely gets updated. And I have another that hasn't seen an update since 2003. Poor guy. But I'm not going to worry about that here. Instead my own diary of sorts *since I write faster or at least more comfortably here than in a book*, I guess I'll go through the long ass process of telling you what I think, why I think, what has happened and why we're how we are.

I guess I'll start off by typing that the last thing I remember typing in here was getting a new job and being exhausted. This was one hell of a year after that.

Wal-mart sucked. The people sucked, the friends there did betray me, but I knew that was going to happen. I suppose betray me is a strong word, but my confidence was definitely betrayed. Yet I still visit for him because of a few reasons. One, he's my only friend. Sadly, this is true. Sure I have a few internet friends, and an i-net gf. But it lacks the tangibility that a real person has. I can type till I'm blue in the fingers, but it doesn't have the same depth to me, even though I do not talk as well as I type.

So, wal-mart sucked. Nearly wrecked my back there. Moved in with a lesbian. That was cool. Tried pot. That was awesome. Partied with Naitive Americans, that was cool till the gay guy tried making out with me. Found out though that I'm not bi. Enger's mom died. I cried. Enger lied. Was given some money. Went to Florida. Smoked some more pot, hung out with great peopole. I would never trade their friendship or the good times I had for anything. I really had an enjoyable summer. I wish I could thank them fully and wholly. I owe 400 there, but I'll pay. I just found out why though I have problems. More on that later.

Had a great job, a wonderful place to live, wonderful people. And all of a sudden. I needed to leave. I made up a lie. Not because I didn't like the people. But I couldn't think of a reason why. I didn't want them to think it was them. I didn't want them to know I was running away. Running away with no purpose. Just like other times in my life. I ran away again.

Came back home, bummed around. Stayed off the pot. Got invited to hang out with a jaw dropping 17 year old girl who was funny and intelligent. Found out she had a bad time, and I wanted to rescue her. I don't know how. But I did. Got sick the day of leaving, never heard from her again.

More bills. Took that red thing off my face. more bills. fixed my car. more bills. paid some bills. Got depressed for a while. Always trouble sleeping. Went plumb happy for a while. depressed again (the psychologists out there might already see the answer).

Got banned from one of my favorite places to visit. Unbanned. Got banned 3 days later. Nobody cares. People did care, but not now. I do, but my voice doesn't matter.

Went to other channels, found new people. Became user of the month on a place. Same month I got banned. Found a new girl. She's my new love. Distance is a bitch though. Ah well, something will fall through. It always does. I sometimes feel like longshot from X-Men. Only I need more patience.

New year. Got drunk. Played video games. spent my time alone.

Went to the psychologists last week. After fighting to get seen. Preliminary found out I have bipolar disorder. Wonderful. At least it explains my behaviors, my problems in relationships, money, needing to move. all of it.

Had some money, wanted to help guys open a site. When they seemed to have abandoned the plan I spent my money. Then they decide to go through with it. :S Dammit. Scraped some money together. Now working on getting the server. Pals losing patience.

And here we are. I could go into detail on any number of things, but I said I would say what has happened. And my love is online and so am I. Was feeling dperessed and alone, but things are turning around already.

I never know what's around the corner.

Maybe the sun is coming out.

So much has happened. I haven't tried to leave this board. But life got really busy. I don't even know where to begin to start. The beginning is over done. The end is too short.

I think I will start at now, and cover things as I post.

My best friend, Enger, is going into some major surgery on his heart and aorta. He's there now. He'll be coming back in a week or two. It's not fair that after what has happened, he's in trouble now. It's just too soon. Enger, if you ever bother to read this: Get better man.

God, I hope he'll be alright. I know he will be, but I worry nonetheless.

It's a new year, and I'm in all sorts of wonder on how it'll go.

More as it makes me want to post. I promise more updates now that I have some stability.

More info on lack of stability as time passes.

-Shoe

Hey Gangeroos!

Went to Bismarck on Monday. Got to Meet Camel_Kid, and now I know his real name Mwuahahaha! *shrugs* But he showed me Rock30 games it's a pretty cool place. I was obsessing over FFIX cause the borrowed one I got was corrupted :P. We went to Spencer's and I found an awesome cane. WOOT! I showed Enger, kinda. I'm sure he was still sleeping on the outside hehe. At rock 30 I got a replacement dreamcast, it is buggy from time to time, but all around it works great. I can't seem to find some of my games and I can't find any of my old cables etc. :P I'm thinking it's in my car probably. Stuff's been disappearing around me lately and I hate that. I can't find my paper for logging onto the school server for classes, I've looked everywhere. Can I find it? NOOOO, so I'm gonna have to go over to the school AGAIN, get a third paper with the info for logging on. I'm thinking I do this one more time, and the secretaries will start greeting me by first name and have the paper ready. I also lost a pack of 27's that pissed me off. Then I find out that there's going to be 3 trucks tomorrow, with the walkie-stalkie busted I don't know where there's going to be room. T_T

I didn't get to get a tat, And CK gave me hell for going to DermaDesign anyway. lol CK is a really funny guy in person, I wish we woulda had more stuff to do or more time to do it in, but all around I had fun. I'm gonna go get drunk and update some more so I can say that I'm drunk lol.

Thankfully whatever hit me has passed. I took some immodium to kill the symptoms, I know I'm still sick and I wish I hadn't missed work. At least I'll be better by tomorrow. Mom told me that it was something going around. So if I hadn't visited them the other night I would have been fine for work. :S At least it wasn't food poisoning.

I got food poisoning at 4 this morning. I've spent most of my time having either one end or the other praying over the toilet.
I even called work over the damn thing. I took the 30 seconds I could hold myself inward to grab the phone dialed the number with my face in the can and talked to management with my ass over it. I'll have to tell my parents cause the only thing I had was some hotdogs at their place yesterday.

Wait a tick, I also grabbed a glass of water and accidentally grabbed an old glass. It tasted creamy.... I hope to go it isn't the hot dogs.

My ex wife Meghan. Has been rearing her ugly ass head recently. It seems that now she doesn't like me. Boo Fucking Hoo. Like I would even want to touch that skanky ass hoe anyways. You guys have no idea who completely vile she is.

And now she's trying to make everyone feel sorry for her because Linda Enger has cancer. -.- This lady is like a mom to me. And what she's doing is just sick. I'm going to do something about it. There's more bullshit and lies she came up with, but it sickens me to think of them right now let alone type them out.

Let's just say that she's trying to use an illness one of the most wonderful people you would have ever had the fortune to meet, to get attention. The lady has cancer for christ sakes. She didn't like you, hell you never even contacted her until you found out you could gain from this somehow you sick inbred soulmate to satan.

I was so pissed that I played games for about 3.5 hours. Nothing but Blitz and Burnout 3. There's an anti-drug for you. All those fuckers saying that video games make you violent have their head up their asses. I was so pissed that I wanted to make her hurt. Break shit. But you know what I did? I got out my anger in video games. How about that shit?

Fuck.

I've got to go and call some tax people as well as call somebody for apartment so I can get back into school and town today. I also give you a brief view on cursing. By me.

The Japanese only have one 'swear' word. Everything from shit to damn is alright by them. Even kids say them. Their language is built entirely by intent. Which is something to think about.

And people can curse without having to use the 7 deady words. We do it all the time. You can easily insult someone without using 1 cuss word. Ex: My God woman, a rapist wouldn't even want you. or How did you survive when your mom had you abortioned? or Maybe some day you will be smart enough to know you're stupid. or Do you try to be that retarded or is it just talent? or Since when did I give you permission to speak? or Relax we're not all as anally rententive as you are. or You're so damn poor you have your cardboard box on lease. or Sometimes I wonder why I haven't put you out of your misery.

Simple things like that, without any cuss words easily insult the right people. I remember when hell was a bad word. And now I've heard it used on nickelodeon (As told by Ginger.) So society is slowly realizing that it doesn't matter what you say, it's how you say it.

I noticed a question about cheating in one forum. There were two people who absolutely hate it. So I offered the following opinion.

I completely abhor online cheating. To me the challenge of online play is ruined if everyone is cheating. I do cheat from time to time when I'm playing offline though. I sometimes cheat for fun.

From a cheater's perspective you are playing the game to enjoy the story. That's why I cheat. I'm currently playing FFIX and cheating on my comp. I haven't played FFIX before, but I've played so many rpg's lately that I didn't want to go through the strenous process of playing one. See, after I can first control my character before the the next plotpoint I level up my character by fighting the local monster population. I do this for several levels because I hate dying in an RPG, it makes me sick. To me an RPG should be a constant story. I will probably quit later when I have sufficiently leveled up my characters.

In an FPS I only cheat if I want to kill things without having to worry about dying. If I want to 'play' an FPS then I won't cheat. BUT, after some tough days, I just start up doom and start killing things. I still play like I could die, I just don't want to have to worry about that. It's a stress relief exercise.

I don't cheat in fighting games, and the only cheating I've ever done in an RTS is resources. I don't play that many RTS's though.

So that's my reasons for cheating.

I've got a job. I've got my life figured out... finally. Gears are in motion. I'm dead tired atm.


What I was reflecting on though was how fast things rolled. When in retrospect they seemed to crawl. I feel as if the last two months took over a year. It's weird. It has to be the perspective of being on top of the ball when it's rolling. The next four years isn't going to be easy, but I'll be happy at the end. It's too bad that girls wrecked me on marriage so many times. Someday I might meet a woman who is just right. In everything. But I gave up that hope long ago.

I can't wait until I'm back in town. Parties, work and fun. I've noticed I've become less inhibited. I attribute this to the two marriages that showed me good as well as the bad that people like to reflect on. For that, I thank them. May I forever be a better person from life.

Worked all week. Sorry peeps. Been so tired after work that I slept until I had to get up. Fucking I-net peeps are taking their time so I'll have to go and behead some fellow North Dakotans.

Going back to school. Signing up for summer classes. Meeting with my advisor tomorrow. I'm going into teaching. Science/Comp double major. Wish that they didn't require that by law. Oh well, at least I'm good at them. Been at work met up with a cutie. And a couple of other cuties. Might have a little fun mixing but I dunno. Planning on going over to CK's next week or week after. On my days off which are Wed. Thurs. So here's to hopin. lol Damn it feels so good to have work. Getting nice paycheck. People are great to be with. All around I can't complain. Happy happy happy. No bitching tonight.

Enger's mom is pretty sick again. I'm worried about her naturally. She's like a second mom. Enger better give me a ring though if something comes up. Or call the parent's place dammit.

I'm sorry about not updating shit with "I'm aching all over, I hope to never see another truck needing unloading again." But 1) they'd be pointless. And 2) I'm too fucking dogged to get the energy to connect to the net. LOL

All peeps out there, Love to yA!